Figured it was time to update since the last journal was from October.

First off, I'm at an interesting point in my artistic journey. I've still been really struggling, but found that one area I still succeed in is drawing from life. (In fact, it's beginning to feel like that's the Only area I succeed in, anymore! All of my attempts at drawing from my head have failed for months now) I'm trying to do a lot of studying, researching, and practicing to break through it, but I know my art will never be the same. If I'm still drawing the things I did before, it will be in a different style, more accurate (that is to say, representational, or "realistic"), and to a greater extent (I don't want to abandon pictures so readily anymore, and I want to start paying attention to environment and context, finally (that means backgrounds, or at the least, a simple border with some color). Otherwise, I'm going to be experimenting in many of the areas I've neglected over the years (much to my art teachers' dismay). Things like still lifes, studies of any and every object I never touched before, working with composition, color, and textures, using new mediums, and overall stepping it up in general. I feel like I've been stuck in a rut for many years now, and that by my own stubbornness, my art has remained "childish", so to speak. It all feels more cartoony than I ever intend, it's often the same things over and over, and there hasn't been much growth in my ability for too long. Art is too important to me to give up on, so however lengthy or frustrating the journey is, I'm up for the road ahead! I don't know at what point I'll begin uploading again (I've even toyed with the idea of creating a new account once I build some momentum), besides the occasional photo, but know that I haven't stopped drawing, and I still visit DA.

Second, I'm about halfway to my weight loss goal! I am officially 19 pounds lighter than I was to begin with, and have another 20-25 to go. Ideally I would like to be between 140-145 when I'm through dieting. I've set a tentative goal to lose 10 pounds by my birthday, February 20th, though I'm still a little nervous because I'll have to be far more disciplined in diet than I have been lately! Nevertheless, I know what to do, and the plan has been working for me so far (I'm at my lowest weight in probably 3 years?), so it's simply a matter of following the routine.

Lastly, I've been making leaps and bounds in my spiritual journey, and hope it continues for quite some time! In a nutshell, I'm restoring hope, and gaining a vision for my life again. I've been in quite a slump with school and work for a long time, and it's left me wondering where I'm going with my life. I'm believing that the more progress I can make in this area, the rest of the pieces will fall into place.

That's all for now...


~Zyen

I think I've turned a new leaf in my artistic journey. I've been realizing more and more lately how I haven't enjoyed drawing in a very long time. I've been under the impression that a.) people judge me by how well I can draw, so I need to prove myself to be acceptable, b.) there's dozens of artists on DA even Younger than me who draw/paint better, so therefore I should be further along than I am, and c.) since I don't feel like I measure up, I get discouraged, and drawing is simply a reminder of how far I've missed the boat. I've known in my head all along that it's wrong thinking, but knowing what the problem is doesn't fix it any more than knowing you're an alcoholic frees you from the addiction. At any rate, I found it interesting that the several artists who inspire me the most right now seem to have something in common: They both have obvious anatomy flaws in almost everything they submit, but you can just sense that they're having fun in what they do, and by the time they're done with the coloring, textures, expressions, and a little extra flair, the anatomy hardly matters, and it makes a decent picture overall! And I want that to be my first goal as I work through this stronghold that's been keeping me chained for so long: To learn how to enjoy art once again. Because I feel that if I can just get the ball rolling, and Start making art again, I'll improve as I go, and gain more confidence to start addressing the things that I could get better at.

So! With that in mind, I've started a new sketchbook, with terms of use! XP Sort of an unwritten agreement with myself that the moment I'm not having fun anymore, and am more concerned with making it perfect (or that it's not good enough), I need to stop and put the sketchbook away.
had some good pointers along that line: 1.) If you don't know how to draw it, take the time to find a reference (or several), and LEARN how to draw it. 2.) One of the advantages of drawing with a permanent medium (such as ink, or scratchboard) can be that you have to like it, and just roll with the mistakes. (I'm not sure I understand the "Have to like it" part yet, but I can understand the importance of pushing through a sticky spot and waiting to judge it until the finished product. More often than not, when the whole piece is completed, the mistake doesn't stand out as much anymore.)

So. I plan to upload a few things tonight and in the coming days. (Finally! Woo-hoo!)


On another note, I've started a diet along with my exercise routine. The exercise has been going great, but I hit a rather frustrating plateau with the weight loss, and finally decided to try controlling/tracking what I eat as well. It's the Curves diet, and in a nutshell: You're restricted to 1,200 calories a day for the first week, 1,500 calories a day for the next 3 weeks, and then you go back to 2,000-2,500 calories for 2-4 weeks (or until you gain back 3 pounds, at which point you diet at 1,200 calories for a couple days, then finish the 2-4 week stage), then start the cycle again. The idea is that over time it will take longer and longer to regain the 3 pounds, because you're raising your metabolism, until eventually you're able to maintain your weight at 2,000 to 2,500 calories a day. And if you start to regain weight again at some point, you do the 30 day diet again, so that you don't have to lose 25 pounds, only like, 5 pounds (which really isn't bad).

Since starting the diet, I've finally broken that plateau (I weighed myself daily for over a month, and was losing and regaining the same 3 pounds before the diet)! Now I'm down 13 pounds from my starting weight, and am optimistic about the future. On a day to day basis, the diet can be challenging; the foods are not what I'm used to, and this morning I couldn't even eat most of the scrambled eggs (substitute. Not the real thing) and veggie-sausages (they were ok the first time, but today it just didn't settle). I'm thinking I'll have to experiment some more, and eat the diet foods that I like (the whole wheat bread isn't bad when you toast it and add peanut butter), and for the rest of it, just eat smaller quantities of the regular foods. It's still hard to get as much protein as they're expecting me to get within the calorie restrictions, but as long as I'm making an effort and writing things down, I know I'm doing better than if I just ate whatever whenever.


Hope everything is well with you guys! s to those few awesome people who actually read all of my journals (even the long ones)!! (I don't expect anyone to, but I post them in case people are interested, and when they are, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy!)

I'm feeling frustrated lately. I've been keeping on with the exercise and "dieting" (not really a diet, but- counting calories, avoiding fast food, etc), but I feel like I've hovered around the same place since my last journal. Granted, I've been seeing subtle changes (like being able to see the tendons in my hand when I wiggle my fingers, or a deeper indent in my calf), and I know I'm developing muscle, but I've been bouncing back and forth between 178 pounds and 181 for the last two weeks, and the BMI calculator on my scale is clearly buggy. (it's saying I'm at 33% body fat, but according to 5+ BMI calculators and charts I looked at online, I would have to be 30 pounds heavier for that to be true. -__- ) Not to mention, I have a few shirts/pants that I've been hoping to fit into when I lose a little weight, and those still don't feel comfortable yet. So. I'm maybe being a little impatient, or critical, I just wish I could see more progress for all the effort I've been putting in.

I still feel like I should be doing SO much more with my life and with art than I am. I've barely touched anything artsy in a while, and feel like I'm going to fail before I start, so then the art looks like crap, and I lose the motivation I had. *sigh*

So anyway, I'm still here, still checking messages often, but that's what's going on behind-the-scenes...

~Zyen

Things are going well in the weight loss department so far! I'm down to 178.4 pounds already (that's roughly 8 pounds in the last two weeks!!), and I'm still totally motivated to do this!! Curves is getting easier to go to (the first couple of workouts after you've been inactive for a while are KILLER. But it gets better, thankfully). I think I started out a little extremist and doing things wrong, though; 8 pounds in two weeks is probably too much. *Confession: I've been eating very very little for the last week, in desperation to lose the weight faster, but have also been doing some research, and found that that backfires real quick! So I signed up to an online community for people trying to lose weight/stay fit, called SparkPeople.com, and today I adjusted some things on my fitness and nutrition plan so that it's a more reasonable calorie goal per day (2,000-2,500 a day, as opposed to 1,200-1,500/day. Makes a lot more sense when you figure in I'm burning roughly 500 calories per workout, 4 times a week).

So anyway, that leaves 28.4 pounds left to lose before I hit my goal! Woohoo!


~Zyen

I'm not a very big photography person at all, as a rule, but I wanted to upload some pictures of my kitty (finally), and I also came across a photo from a couple months ago when we had some extremely rare and GORGEOUS weather conditions! So check those out if you like photography/animals/weather.

In other news, I've hit a point in my weight/health where I refuse to go on living the way I have been. I am absolutely determined to lose the weight for Real this time, and get to a healthy, fit, physique. I have a membership at Curves (a women's fitness center), and have been attending passionately for the last week. I just weighed myself this morning, and so far it would appear I have lost 4.4 pounds!! Woohoo! Doesn't really look/feel like I've lost weight, but I know these things take time. So anyway, my short-term goal is to lose about 2 pounds a week, and long-term, I need to lose a total of 36 pounds to fall comfortably within the "healthy" range for my height/age. But I guess now it's looking more like 32 pounds! Wish me luck/pray for me if you can!

~Zyen